


Inked Heart

by yuwinko



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Cheating, I don't know, M/M, Self-Harm, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 01:36:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7146836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuwinko/pseuds/yuwinko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiyong feels like he has gone mad. Maybe he has? He doesn’t care anymore, his heart needs Seunghyun, while his brain screams to get as far away from him as possible. Jiyong is torn between the two options.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inked Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I deleted this from AFF for some reason so here it is, back up, for your enjoyment. Why did I delete it?????

Jiyong wanted to scream, but no sounds were able to come out from his throat. I hadn’t moved moved from his bed in ages. He had lost count of the days. He didn’t care.  _ Everything is useless  _ he thought. Images from  _ that night  _ swirled in his mind and he wanted to cry again. 

 

The worst part was, that Seunghyun didn’t know he knew what had happened. Jiyong knew everything. Jiyong wanted tell Seunghyun, he wanted to scream at him, he felt betrayed.

 

He was actually betrayed. Seunghyun told him that he was going on a trip to Japan, to film a commercial or something. Jiyong didn’t mind that. The second night of the week long trip Jiyong had spotted Seunghyun outside one of those fancy nightclubs downtown. He knew it was Seunghyun, he saw it immediately, how could he not recognize his love. 

 

Jiyong had wanted to run up to Seunghyun and ask what he was doing here, but stopped. Seunghyun had his arm around a girl. Jiyong’s heart dropped even more when he saw that Seunghyun leaned down to kiss the girl. Jiyong froze, Seunghyun had promised he only loved Jiyong, that he only kissed Jiyong like that and that he only looked at Jiyong like that.

 

He ran home, he didn’t even look if cars were coming his way. He didn’t care if he would be hit by a car. He wanted to disappear, or to destroy himself, it was hard to know which one sounded better. He chose that hiding from the world was the best option, it didn’t require much energy.

 

Jiyong screamed when he came home. He screamed and screamed and screamed until no more sounds were able to come out. Then he started crying. He cried until his eyes were dry. He felt nothing. His heart felt dead. Everything felt stupid. He hit a picture of him and Seunghyun on the wall. The glass broke and his knuckles started to bleed. He didn’t care.

 

_ Of course Seunghyun didn’t love me. _ He should’ve guessed that. No one could love the useless shit he was. He hated himself, he hated Seunghyun and he hated the world. Seunghyun had lied to him.

 

Jiyong had to come up with a plan, if he had counted the days right, Seunghyun would “return” from his trip today. He didn’t want Seunghyun to see him like this, he didn’t want Seunghyun to see him at all. He finally moved his dead limbs and almost screamed in pain. He hadn’t moved from his bed in ages. He made it to the bathroom  while knocking over a few things on the way. Jiyong looked himself in the mirror.

 

His eyes were red and puffy from all the crying. He had deep bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep. His knuckles were still covered in dry blood and that also explained the few blood stains on his face. He needed a shower, clean clothes and food. 

 

Jiyong’s wet hair left stains on the white shirt he put on. He tried to fix his eyes with make-up but it didn’t look much better. His stomach grumbled loudly and he cursed to himself.  _ I should have eaten something, at least. _

 

He found a pack of instant noodles in a cupboard. The noodles were gone in less than two minutes.  _ What should I do now? He will be home in a few hours or so if I remember right.  _ Jiyong got up and decided to go for a walk.  _ Maybe some fresh air will help me calm down, I need to think this through.  _

 

Jiyong stepped out of the apartment but instead of going down he went up on the roof. The cold morning wind ruffled up Jiyong’s hair as he stepped out on the roof. Seoul looked so calm. If you were down on the streets it seemed to be everything but calm. Jiyong took a deep breath and let the cold air of the morning fill his lungs.

 

The world seemed distant as Jiyong leaned on the rail near the edge. He looked down. Seunghyun didn’t love him. Jiyong felt his heart flutter at the thought of the older one.  _ NO! I can’t love him, I can’t miss him!  _ Screams inside his head appeared suddenly. His body was in conflict. His heart belonged to Seunghyun but his brain knew better than that.

 

The screams in his mind became louder. His body was fighting against itself. Jiyong felt weak, he felt dizzy. He tried to shut out the voices. He pulled his hair and screamed. The scream was faded and hoarse. He fell to his knees and looked at his hands which were shaking violently. He had gone mad. The voices screamed louder and Jiyong started hitting his face to the ground. Nothing helped. The tears came back. 

 

Jiyong didn’t know how much time had passed. The voices could only be heard as whispers in the back of his head. He got up slowly. The sun was higher up on the sky, a few hours had passed at least. Jiyong got up but almost fell down again. His muscles were still weak from the lack of movement. 

 

As he stepped into the apartment his heart stopped. Seunghyun’s shoes were in the hallway.  _ Fuck fuck fuck fuck no.  _ Jiyong could hear the shower running and relaxed. He had time to run away if he wanted. Did he want to run away? He tried to imagine what would happen. Seunghyun would get worried, that didn’t matter.

 

Jiyong picked up his dead phone from the bedside table and started looking for his wallet.  _ Where the fuck is it? _ He lifted piles of clothes and checked pockets. Nothing. Just as he found it in the back pocket of a pair of dirty jeans the bathroom door opened.  _ No no no no no.  _

 

“Why does it look like you are leaving just when I got home” the way to familiar voice chuckled behind him. Jiyong tried to move, he tried to think of a good response, but his mind was blank.

“Jiyong? Are you okay?” Seunghyun asked, he sounded  _ worried _ . Jiyong almost laughed,  _ Seunghyun doesn’t care about you, remember that.  _ The voices were back, louder. 

“I-I-I need to go do some things,” Jiyong managed to choke out in a small voice. Seunghyun shook his head and grabbed Jiyong’s wrist. 

“You sound sick, why don’t you stay in bed?” ironically, Jiyong had done nothing but stay in bed the past few days, if only Seunghyun knew.

 

Jiyong turned around to look at Seunghyun. He looked different, was it because he didn’t love the older one, or was it because the older one was the only one Jiyong’s heart needed. The voices in his head started fighting again and Jiyong shut his eyes in hope for them to shut up. 

“No, I can’t go to bed,” he finally said and pulled his wrist free from Seunghyun’s tight grip. He opened his eyes and moved them up to Seunghyun’s and looked deep into them.

“You lied to me, don’t dare to tell me you care about me, or worry that I’m sick, I won’t take any of that bullshit,” Seunghyun looked shocked when the words reached his ears. It took some time for him, but he managed to figure out what Jiyong was talking about. 

“Ji, I can explain,” Seunghyun looked sad, he actually looked sad, but Jiyong didn’t take it. He turned around. He was torn, did Seunghyun actually look sad. 

“How can you explain it, you lied to me about going to Japan, you lied to me when you said you loved me, I saw what you did,” Jiyong said and walked out.

 

Jiyong didn’t stop. He walked until he knew Seunghyun wouldn’t find him. The voices came back, and Jiyong let them take over. He couldn’t hear his own thoughts. The only thing he managed to figure out was that the nightlife in Seoul could be exciting, yet dangerous, especially for someone like him. He had to find a place where he could stay for the night.

 

Jiyong found himself outside Youngbae’s house. The voices were making him mad and he screamed in frustration.  _ Let me think, let me think without hearing you.  _ Jiyong couldn’t think it through. Seunghyun would find him easily here, but his hand reached for the doorbell.

 

Youngbae didn’t question Jiyong. He knew Jiyong needed help, he looked terrible. 

“Don’t tell Seunghyun I am here, just, please,” Jiyong sighed as he entered the living room. He was exhausted, Youngbae wasn’t exactly his neighbour. His legs felt tired and he fell down on the couch. Jiyong pressed his fingers against his temples trying to silence the voices and easing the headache.

 

Youngbae was really like an angel, without questions he brought painkillers and water. Jiyong gladly accepted them. 

“Why don’t you write down your thoughts, you know like a song or something, that usually helps right?” Youngbae suggested. Jiyong just nodded, why not. The voices in his head felt more distant now and he felt like he needed to put his mind in focus. Youngbae handed over a writing block alongside with a pen and left the room.

 

Jiyong scribbled on the first page, he watched as the black ink left its mark on the, never to be clean again, paper. He felt sad, the paper was ruined because he drew nonsense on it.  _ It’s a fucking paper Jiyong, it’s not like it has feelings.  _ He took a better grip of the pen and started writing.

 

The next morning Youngbae found his living room empty. Jiyong seemed to have left. On the table Youngbae found a white envelope, with the name Seunghyun written on it. He picked up his phone and dialed Seunghyun’s number, who picked up after the first beep.

“Jiyong was here last night, he left something for you,” Youngbae said into the phone without bothering to say hello. He heard the phone call go off and figured that Seunghyun was on his way.

 

He was right, only 10 minutes later he heard a loud knock on his door. Seunghyun looked like a mess. Not as bad as Jiyong, he thought. He let’s Seunghyun in and handed the envelope to Seunghyun. Sitting in the same spot where Jiyong wrote the letter, Seunghyun inhales and opened it.

 

_ Dear Seunghyun, or do I even want to use the word ‘dear.’ The paper you are holding right now, used to be clean, it used to be perfect. That’s how my heart used to be. When I wrote on this paper, it could’ve been art. It could’ve become more beautiful than it already was. It didn’t. That’s what you did to my heart. You stained it with black ink that I can’t get rid of. Just like this paper, my heart will always remain stained.  _

 

 _I don’t care what you think of me anymore. I will be gone, I am not coming back._ _Best_ _worst regards, Jiyong._

  
Seunghyun felt the tears stream down his cheeks, he regretted everything. There was no good excuses to make him feel better. He destroyed the best thing in his life, and there was no going back. He was the black ink, his heart was filled with black ink. The black ink was poison, he wanted to get rid of it, but as Jiyong had said, it was impossible. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this, this is an old one I wrote and like, my first ever angst fic.


End file.
